What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
I’ve been told I’m condescending. (that means I talk down to people)
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish.
Does Sean Connery like herbs? Yes, but only partially.
What did Sean Connery call the lobster that ate all the food? Shellfish.
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.
The zoo in my hometown is so broke it only has one animal: a dog. It’s a shih tzu.
My friend says to me: “what rhymes with orange” I said: “no it doesn’t”
I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I forgot how to throw a boomerang. Then it came back to me.
At first I didn’t like having a beard. Then it grew on me.
I got my son a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
Did you hear about the invention of the wheel? They say it started a revolution. But it was the invention of the broom that really swept the nation.
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.
What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common? Icy dead people.
I used to be addicted to soap, but now I’m clean…
People say I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop any time I want.
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
People say it’s dangerous to hang out on a bridge when I’m so depressed. But it helps me get over things.
I used to be addicted to dressing like a nun, but I got out of the habit.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
My wife told me I need to quit playing Wonderwall on guitar. I said maybe…
Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world.
What’s ET short for? He’s only got little legs.
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
What do we want? Low flying airplane noises! When do we want them? NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW
How does a rabbi make his coffee? Hebrews it.
How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it one or two? One… or two?
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. watch video
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.
When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
A guy goes to the Doctor. He’s got a Carrot in 1 ear, a stalk of Celery in his other ear, a Pea in his nostril, he says “Doctor, I haven’t been feeling well.” The Doctor says “That’s because you’re not eating right.”
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says “I think we got this joke wrong”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
If life gives you melons, you probably have dyslexia.
I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
To the guy who stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.
My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said “40”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
My father convinced me to donate my organs after I die. He’s a man after my own heart…
How do you talk to dead Italians? With a Luigi board.
Q: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? A: They lactose.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks” I said “Don’t mention it”
Why did the banker quit his job? He lost interest!
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, “you ever worry about that mad cow disease?”. The other cow says, “why would i care? I’m a helicopter!”.
I have a Polish friend who’s a sound technician. Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.
What happened to the man running in front of the car? He was tired.
What happened to the man running behind the car? He was exhausted.
I once bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.”
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
When I was a child we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, I’ll give these two a lift.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
A man was hit in the head with a soda. Good thing it was a soft drink.
What do you call a dog that has no legs? Doesn’t matter, he’s not coming.
A man goes to the doctor and says “It hurts when I touch myself here, here and here.” The doctor says “Your finger’s broken”.
Have you heard of the soldier who survived pepper spray and mustard gas? He’s a seasoned veteran.
Whiteboards are quite remarkable.
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention, but everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.
A scarecrow says, “This job isn’t for everyone, but hay, it’s in my jeans.”
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says “Make me one with everything.”
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He’s alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that’s shorter than the other? Ilene.
The broom swept the nation away.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.
I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.
What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.
What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.
What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.
Sausage puns are the wurst.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.
What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.
What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.
Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.
Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.
Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.
Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.
What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.
What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.
What do you call a spanish pig? Porque.
What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.
Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.
A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.
How do trees access the internet? They log on.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco-motives.